


Check Please Tumblr Fic

by JeannetteRankin



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Headcanon, M/M, Meta, Originally Posted on Tumblr, TV Tropes, disney on ice, very serious and mature financial discussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-29 09:18:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 5,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17200814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeannetteRankin/pseuds/JeannetteRankin
Summary: Posting my Check Please stuff from Tumblr here. Mostly tumblr-style informal fic, meta, etc. Generally fluffy and silly. Enjoy!





	1. Chowder/Farmer Trompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TVTropes just fed me Badass Biker! Oh heck, however shall I choose a pairing? Zimbits or Charmer, whichever sends you to your happy place today.  
> ASKED BY STULTILOQUENTIA
> 
> [Trompts](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166826954279/tropes-promptstrompts) (send me a pairing and a random trope from TVTropes)
> 
> [Original Tumblr post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166828859204/tvtropes-just-fed-me-badass-biker-oh-heck)

A roaring engine sound came from out front of the Haus. Dex and Nursey made confused faces at each other and got up from the couch to go look out the front window.

There was a gorgeous, sleek back motorcycle idling at the curb. 

“Whoa,” Dex breathed, and Nursey would have had to agree. He didn’t know anything about bikes, but this one looked expensive and sexy as hell.

The person on the back of the motorcycle swung a leg over and dismounted. It was a long, lanky figure in jeans and a familiar teal sweatshirt. They watched Chowder take the motorcycle helmet off, run a hand through his hair, and say something to the driver.

“Who the hell is that?” Dex asked.

It obviously didn’t happen in slow motion, because real life didn’t go into slow motion. But it may as well have.

The motorcycle driver, clad all in black leather, took off her helmet and swept her head to one side, letting her long brown hair swing over one shoulder.

Nursey gaped. Dex gasped.

They watched as Chowder said something that made Farmer laugh and then kissed her goodbye. She put her helmet back on, revved up the bike, and tore off down the quiet little street, turning heads from every frat she passed.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Nursey said, quietly.

“Yeah,” Dex agreed. 


	2. Chowder/Farmer Trompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ransom/Holster, Bus Full of Innocents  
> ASKED BY STAR-ANISE
> 
> [Trompts](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166826954279/tropes-promptstrompts) (send me a pairing and a random trope from TVTropes)
> 
> [Original Tumblr post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166827564019/ransomholster-bus-full-of-innocents)

It was another beautiful day on the Lake Quad of Samwell University. The sun was shining, the geese were quacking, and the stoners were contentedly playing hacky sack under the trees. Mild-mannered boyfriends Justin Oluransi and Adam Birkholtz were enjoying a brief break from their hectic schedules to enjoy the warm September afternoon.

Everything seemed perfect until….THE LAX BRO ATTACKED.

In an instant Justin and Adam became  _Ransom and Holster._  Discarding their civilian secret identities, they rushed to the scene.

Holster hip-checked the Lax Bro into the pond, and Ransom gave the trio of freshmen he’d been talking to accurate directions to Founders.


	3. Jack & Suzanne Trompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dramatic shattering, Zimbits  
> ASKED BY PROPHETPRIOR
> 
> [Trompts](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166826954279/tropes-promptstrompts) (send me a pairing and a random trope from TVTropes)
> 
> [Original Tumblr post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166832436924/dramatic-shattering-zimbits)

They had talked about yesterday’s fireworks, Jack’s hockey career, how Jack liked Madison, and the weather. Never let it be said that Suzanne Bittle was a women who couldn’t keep a conversation afloat.

“Now, Jack, honey,” she said, refilling their lemonades. “You know I would never ask you to betray a confidence. But Dicky’s so far from home, and well, I get the feeling he doesn’t tell his mother  _everything._  You know how mothers worry. There’s somethin’ that’s been eating at me and I just want to ask you about it and get a straight answer.”

“Oh?” Jack asked, trying to maintain a casual tone.

“Now, I’m not asking for details, but I know that young men, when then get to college, they tend to..” She made a vague gesture. “Date,” she finally finished.

“Uhh,” Jack said, feeling the back of his neck heat up. Images of exactly what he and Bitty had gotten up to in the bed of the truck last night during the fireworks flashed before his eyes. “Well–”

“And I know you’d deny it, so I’m not going to ask, but I’ve got a good idea of who he’s …  _dating_.”

He was definitely going red now. Awkwardly raising the lemonade to his lips, he took a drink to try and buy time.

Undeterred, Suzanne pressed on. “I know Dicky looks up to you, and probably tells you things he wouldn’t tell me. And I just want to be sure that when it comes to  _dating_ , that he and Larissa are being  _safe_.”

Jack set his glass down and missed the edge of the table. The tell tale sharp-smooth sound of glass shattering filled the kitchen.


	4. Shitty/Lardo Trompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do unto others before they do unto us. Shitty/lardo please  
> ASKED BY KIRAWORDS
> 
> [Trompts](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166826954279/tropes-promptstrompts) (send me a pairing and a random trope from TVTropes)
> 
> [Original Tumblr post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/166828092084/do-unto-others-before-they-do-unto-us)

Shitty and Lardo were cleaning up from the Fun Fair Fundraiser when, at the same instant, they both spotted it. In the “pie a hockey player in the face” booth (one of the most popular attractions), there sat a single, perfect, unused pie tin full of whipped cream.

Shitty saw it, and he saw that Lardo saw it. They both locked eyes for an instant, suspended in time.

Shitty dove for it. Something hit his ankle. He tumbled down. The next thing he knew, he had Lardo straddling his waist and a face full of soft, sticky foam. A satisfied cackle came from above him.

“Sorry, Bro,” she said. Shitty wiped his eyes and opened them to see her gleefully regarding the mess that was now dripping into his hair. “I had to.”

“I respect that,” he replied, feeling stupidly in love. “I would have done the same.” He surged upwards and kissed her full on the lips, smearing the whipped cream all over them both.


	5. Disney on Ice AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ittybittybakes [suggested Bitty as Peter Pan](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/160349803589/ittybittybakes-itsacpsideblog) and then I accidentally a Disney on Ice AU...

See, it’s tempting to put Jack in the role of Captain Hook here, and that has a ton of potential. But I’m going to suggest this…

Jack is the show manager on the tour. His job is to make sure that this chaotic jumble of costumes, equipment, and high strung people get where they need to go and make the money they need to make. He’s the calm center in the storm, always there with his tablet, the schedule, and a sharp word for those who aren’t where they should be at the right time. Is he easy to deal with? No. But he keeps the show running better than any manager they’ve ever had.

Jack knows performers. And he doesn’t trust performers. Performers tend to be young, high strung, and flaky. He’s always having to sort out issues from the drama of who’s sleeping with who, to egotistical background skaters who think they should be the lead, to the time Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty got in a fist fight back stage and more than tiaras got broken.

Enter one Eric Bittle, who came onto the show last minute from corporate after their old Peter Pan got locked up for a DUI in Utah. Former figure skating champions are a dime a dozen to Jack, and he does. not. trust. this. boy. When he finds out Bittle has a near-debilitating stage fright, his opinion goes from bad to worse.

It doesn’t help that Bittle soon has Lardo the wardrobe mistress, Shitty the deputy manager, Ransom and Holster the merch team leads, and the rest of the crew wrapped around his finger in no time. They all think he’s a freaking delight.

But the real problem starts when fan videos of Bittle’s adorable face and charming mannerisms in his Peter Pan getup go viral. Soon, legions of slightly unhinged fans flock to the shows to see “SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN PETER PAN 😍😍😍”. Ticket sales go up, but Jack has a new headache to deal with every day, from stage door crashers, to bootlegs, to corporate’s marketing team calling him every day to complain.

He’s sure it’s all Bittle’s fault, no matter what Shitty says.

How will Bitty ever convince steely eyed Jack that he’s just trying overcome his stage fright and do his job as a part of the team? How will Jack ever deal with his kaleidoscope of feelings about the regrettably attractive skater who’s making his job hell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Tumblr tags: #this got out of hand #sorry??? #nursey and dex run tech for the show and argue constantly ofc #the frogs work house #chowder??? prince charming of course! #and lardo the wardrobe mistress is a delightful image and a story all on her own #she's terrifying with a hot glue gun and got spot a loose sequin from miles away #also sorry for typos #cinderella and sleeping beauty were fighting over the affections of snow white FYI #i have a literal fever right now so this might not make any sense but ENJOY


	6. Shitty + Jack, Laundry Lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/156843637494/headcanon-that-shitty-was-one-of-those-kids-who)

headcanon that shitty was one of those kids who got to college having no idea how to do laundry. Who did he turn to for a lesson? why, his hallmate and new bffl, jack, of course

Jack enjoys doing laundry. it’s a predictable, never-changing process that follows an exact set of steps from start to finish and results in a satisfying outcome. also, remember, he was fresh off of a year of coaching kids, so he was ready to give shitty a patient and lucid explanation.

Shitty took the “that’s cool and all, but fuck it, imma just dump a bunch of dish detergent in the washer and come back three hours later, that’s how it works, right, brah??” approach.

The lesson did not go well


	7. Bitty and the goons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Content Warning: Homophobic Language**
> 
>  
> 
> [Original Tumblr Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/155908988889/itsacpsideblog-during-a-game-in-bittys-senior)

[during a game in bitty’s senior year]

 **Goon A** : hey homo  
**Bitty, brightly** : yes, sweetheart?  
**Goon A** : *skates away, confused*

-

 **Goon B** : how d'you even hold a hockey stick with those limp wrists?  
**Bitty, calmly** : bless your heart. *wins face off*

-

 **Goon C** : you’re zimmermann’s little boyfriend, huh?  
**Bitty** : that’s right! goin’ on a year now  
**Goon C, smirking** : you take it up the ass from him?  
**Bitty** : yes  
**Goon C** : …  
**Bitty** : what, you think we just lie in bed and hold hands? I feel sorry for your girlfriend, honey

-

 **Goon B again** : well we probably should have known zimmermann was a fag all along, that whiny bitch  
**Bitty** : *accidentally on purpose slew foots him*


	8. Grad School Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Tumblr Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/154448060794/jacks-been-in-the-nhl-for-a-while-now-hes-been)

Jack’s been in the NHL for a while now. He’s been Captain for a few years, he’s out, he’s married, everything is going pretty good. He starts to feel like he needs a new challenge in his life. So he decides to enter an online program to get his master’s degree. He takes a full course load in the summer during the off-season, but takes one course at a time during the fall and spring semesters.

Just picture NHL Captain Jack during downtime sitting on his laptop typing away, doing research, writing reading responses, arguing with his classmates about historiography on his course message boards. When the sports journalists annoy him, he starts answering all of their questions as if they’re asking about his classes.

“So, Jack, it seems like you’re really struggling the past few weeks, your production is way down.”

“Well, Andy, I’m always looking for ways to improve. But I did get 50 pages of reading done, and completed my annotated bibliography for my term paper, so I think things are going pretty well.”

 


	9. Jack & Shitty as Freshmen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Tumblr Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/153842892869/itsacpsideblog-i-just-saw-a-post-saying-that)

I just saw a post saying that there should be more content about Ransom and Holster as frogs (HARD AGREE), which reminded me of the total tragedy of the fact that we only got introduced to Jack and shitty as juniors.

We’re lacking two whole glorious school years of them doing hockey and wrestling and hanging out and stuff. Give me awkward freshmen shenanigans. Give me the first time Jack came home to find shitty naked in his bed. Give me all of the people that shitty told off and or punched in the face for talking shit about Jack. I NEED THIS.

Just a few of the many things we’re missing out on:

  * Shitty’s attempts to get Jack to buy beer for him as soon as he turned 21
  * Shitty defending Jack from douchey older smh players when Jack was named captain as a sophomore
  * Jack getting texts from Shitty to please bring him pants when he woke up pantsless in strange locations
  * Jack and Shitty as freshmen teaming up to continuously prank this one dude on their hall who obnoxiously played his music at all hours
  * Shitty dragging Jack into his quest for dibs 
  * Sophomore Jack’s quiet but unceasing chirping of Shitty about Lardo
  * Shitty meeting Bad Bob for the first time




	10. The Holsom Bunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Tumblr Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/148954400284/itsacpsideblog-a-holsom-concept-brady)

a holsom concept: brady bunch/cheaper by the dozen au

Overworked single doctor dad Ransom is desperately trying to hold everything together and doesn’t have time for a social life between his shifts at the hospital and looking after his three precocious daughters. Exuberant single dad Holster is a high school teacher with three energetic sons, and would never admit to being lonely. They meet when their youngest kids join the same coed under 7 hockey team.

*

Okay, I didn’t think there was more, but there is.

**The Oluransi sisters**

Genevieve, 13- a bubbly goofball and jock whose choice of sport is swimming. Lives for froyo. Adores her sisters, and always tries to look after them but also drives them crazy because she takes everything in life is a joke (a cover to hide the fact that she inherited her dad’s anxiety issues).

Willow, 10- loves school and very academically gifted. TV addict, especially Animal Planet. Sometimes gets exasperated because she’s the only actually chill one of the entire family, and her sisters and Dad take out their anxiety in sometimes frustrating ways. Too many stuffed animals.

Annabelle, 6- the youngest, weirdly serious for a six y.o., is the kind of kid who gets told that they have an old soul a lot, also a major daddy’s girl who loves nothing more than to cuddle up with her papa.

**The Birkholtz boys**

George, 13- going through a teenage angst phase. Inherited his dad’s musical ability, loves to sing, plays three instruments. Hates school. Is the lead singer in one of those terrible Middle School garage bands. Wants a dog so bad, but his dad says no.

William, 11-A gentle soul. A caretaker by nature. Wants to be a marine biologist. Gets Obsessed, the way kids sometimes do, with helping his single dad find love. (Though since he’s 11, he’s not any good at it) 

Alex, 5- a hellion. One of those kids who is absolutely fearless. Climbs up on tall things and jumps off of them for fun, giving every adult in the vicinity a heart attack. Unfortunate tendency to think all other kids are as indestructible as he thinks he is 

~*~

Did I give them all matching names on purpose? What do you take me for?! OF COURSE I DID

Annabelle plays goalie on the hockey team, though for u7 that mostly consists of trying to remember to stay in front of the goal. Alex mostly just loves smashing into other skaters; the coach thinks he has a bright future as a d-man.

Later, after Ransom and Holster get together, they hire grad student Shitty Knight is their live in nanny/helper. He adores all the kids fiercely and gets into vicious arguments with people over the word “manny.”

♬that’s the waaaay we became/the holsom bunch♬


	11. Magic AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Tumblr Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/148325959214/oh-no-i-just-had-a-really-cute-idea-for)

Oh no, I just had a really cute idea for @omgcp-tropechallenge. It’s magic AUs week, right? And I just thought like…

Bitty joins the Samwell Men’s Hexing team on a scholarship! However, his mental block about Charms is a real problem, since he collapses if he even thinks anyone is going to cast one on him (much last actually casting them himself). It’s getting in the way of his being effective on the hexing floor, and despite his skill with enchantments, glamours, and cantrips, it might get him kicked off the team.

Determined to prove his worth to standoffish team captain (and world-class conjuror) Jack Zimmermann, a desperate Bitty starts experimenting with more advanced Charms on his own. If he can just pull off ONE high-level Charm, that’ll wipe the contempt off of Jack’s stupid, chiseled face.

To his shock, he casts one that actually works.

Only, he was so used to them  _not_  working that he didn’t really bother to read the description. He almost faints when he realizes what he just cast was a love charm. And the whole time he’s been thinking about impressing Jack and getting back at him. If the object of concentration is the locus of the spell…that means….

HE JUST ACCIDENTALLY CAST A LOVE CHARM ON JACK ZIMMERMANN.


	12. Hanukkah Sweater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/154600065909/okay-but-i-feel-like-holster-is-jewish-but-he)
> 
> Anonymous asked: Okay but I feel like holster is jewish but he wears like one of those tacky light up Hanukkah sweaters all around the haus and has like a mensch on the bench

actual photo of adam ‘holster’ birkholtz


	13. Shitty + Jack Meta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/156357012229/itsacpsideblog-itsacpsideblog-no-one-will-ever)

no one will ever convince me that B. “Shitty” Knight is not at least 12.4% in love with Jack Zimmermann

 

*

listen, we all have that one friend. they’re gorgeous and talented and under-appreciated and they seem to adore YOU for some reason. And you’re delighted to just be their friend, because being around them is magical, but WELL. You tell yourself, “listen, there’s no point in being in love with them, because it’s never gonna happen. Obviously I’m gonna be a little in love with them, I can’t help that, but there’s no point in being any more than the MINIMUM NECESSARY AMOUNT of in love with them, okay self?”

 

*

and if you try to tell me you haven’t made this face around them i won’t believe you

 


	14. Encouraged to Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written just after The Kiss (TM), about what would happen when the SMH team finds out Jack and Bitty are dating.
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/140240039569/but-heres-the-thing-as-anyone-whos-ever-been-in)

But here’s the thing! As anyone who’s ever been in that situation knows, what happens when two people who are part of a group of close friends start dating each other is…you get encouraged… _to death_.

Shitty exclaims “oh my god the two of you are PERFECT for each other” and the first time, Jack smiles a bit and Bitty blushes. But he keeps saying it  _every time he sees them_  and by the seventh time it’s like 

Shitty: I just can’t get over how AMAZING the two of you are together

Jack: *ignores* 

Bitty: yes…we know…please just eat your pie, Shitty

Lardo makes a collage dedicated to their relationship for a class project, which is very sweet and  _super embarrassing._  Chowder makes it his phone background.

Ransom and Holster interrupt every Skype session, busting down BItty’s door and making dirty jokes about them having skype sex until Bitty gives up and tries to close his laptop lid, only to have them tackle him to the floor and give Jack explicit dirty talk advice until he hangs up on them

Every member of the group gives at least one of them the shovel speech…sometimes both of them. Sometimes while they’re in the same room, at the same time.

Dex: we talked about it and Nursey and I agreed that the two of you can’t ever break up

Jack: *ignores*

Bitty: oh my god! stop

Nursey: seriously, Jack it would break bitty’s heart, and that would be extremely unchill of you

Dex: but also, bitty, if you break up with Jack, it could distract him and totally tank his stats. you don’t want to be responsible for ruining his rookie year do you?

Bitty: I will pay y’all to stop.


	15. Jack Being Flirted With

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/143755855131/so-after-he-joins-the-falcs-and-starts-getting-way)

So after he joins the Falcs and starts getting way more famous (due to being Really Good and Legacy and Beautiful and Face of the Franchise) Jack starts having to fend off amorous women a lot. Like, it’s not like this has never happened to him before, but now it’s increased 10000% percent and he is So. Awkward. about it. And his teammates make fun of him mercilessly and repeat the women’s pickup lines back to him for weeks on end and sometimes have little skits where they reenact Jack’s most awkward responses. 

This continues for a while and Jack is mildly disgruntled about it, but what can you do. Finally, after Jack is outed/comes out/people finally get a clue and notice his visible-from-space crush on Eric R Bittle, there’s obviously a media shitstorm, but Jack’s like ‘well, on the bright side, at least all these fans will stop hitting on me now’

Which is hilarious. Poor boy.

Nowadays he just gets twice as many because men are hitting on him, too. And let me tell you, many gay boys are The Worst and don’t back off even after Jack says (with a secret little thrill because he’s a NERD) 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend.’ And then they just keep hitting on him/start offering a threesome and Jack gets so offended (in a polite Canadian way) on his own and Bitty’s behalf and now Tater and the boys have a whole new realm of mockery.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm sending you a couple. Dex is hella closeted he isn't even that honest with himself about it AND/OR Dex and Ransom bro-bonding ever being ace/demi  
> ASKED BY GETTZI
> 
>  
> 
> NEVER APOLOGIZE. Especially when the prompts are so a++ Also wow how late am I in posting this? SUPER LATE. Sorry? Anyway. Enjoy!
> 
>  
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/143027001174/im-sorry-im-sending-you-a-couple-dex-is-hella)

Dex, in the true spirit of team work, camaraderie, and kissing Holster’s ass for dibs, comes over right away in response to Holster’s  _dude, my computer is doing somehting freaky. help!!_  text.

After about twenty minutes of poking and muttering, Dex declares himself finished and the computer good as new. Holster doesn’t bother listening to the explanation about antivirus software something something, he has more important things on his mind.

“Oh thank god! My thesis is safe! And more importantly, my porn collection!” Holster exclaims, giving the laptop a big kiss right on the case.

“Yeah, I noticed what you mainly use your hard drive for,” Dex says as he pushes back from the desk. It’s a pretty weak chirp, but since the kid just did him a solid, Holster’s inclined to overlook that.

“Chyeah. What kinda stuff do you like? Cause I bet I can recommend some good shit.”

“Um, I’m good,” Dex says, dismissively.

“You just don’t like porn, or what?” Holster asks in his best nonjudgmental captain voice. Ransom, perched on the top bunk poring over a three-inch thick textbook, actually looks up from his reading and peers down at them, curious.

“I mean, I’ve never really had the money to spend on that kind of stuff–” Dex says, hesitantly.

“But dude, there’s tons of great free stuff out there! Bro, do you seriously not know that? Oh, we gotta get you on PornHub, it’s gonna change your life. I’m gonna send you hella links.” He’s already mentally compiling a rec list titled ‘So You Somehow Made it to Adulthood without Knowing About Internet Porn: a Beginner’s Primer.’

“I dunno,” Dex scrunches up his face.

“I mean, I won’t send you any freaky stuff if you’re not into it..but if you’ve never experienced ‘Daisy’s Boyfriend and His Buddies Come Home and Find Her Naked,’ it’s gonna change your life, bro. It’s like, my duty to share that.” Holster is nothing if not generous and thoughtful.

“I’m not interested, okay?” Dex says, too loudly. Holster just stares for a moment, then glances over at Ransom. Oh good, Ransom is staring too.

“Okay, sorry man,” Holster says slowly.

“You know, I’ve never seen you get interested in anyone,” Ransom observes, and suddenly Holster knows exactly what he’s thinking. It’s the perfect intro observation—inviting Dex to talk about it if he wants to, but letting him slip out if he’s not ready/willing to share. This is why Ransom is such a ‘swawasome captain.

“Yeah, well,” Dex blushes, which on a ginger guy is kind of terrifying. It means his entire head is some shade of orange. “I take school seriously and I don’t have time to be hooking up with a new girl every weekend.”

An awkward silence descends. Ransom is using their best friend super powers to psychically beam into Holster’s brain a clear message not to say anything about denial being a river in Egypt. So of course he doesn’t. Because Holster is a good bro like that.

“Cool, well,” he says after a moment. “Thanks again for fixing it, man, I don’t know what I would have done without you. And, uh, don’t worry, I won’t send you any stuff.”

“Okay,” Dex says, and scuttles out of the room.

“Huh,” Holster says once Dex is out of earshot.

“Yeah,” Ransom observes, turning back to his book.


	17. Zimbits Awkward Flirting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooh! Congrats on 1000! Ok, zimbits and awkward flirting! Like so awkward it's cringe worthy lol!  
> ASKED BY ANONYMOUS
> 
> Thank you for this prompt omg, I love awkward Jack so much. Sorry this took so long. Here’s a drabble where Jack is one of those guys who likes to show off for the boy he likes. Awkwardly.
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142860403689/ooh-congrats-on-1000-ok-zimbits-and-awkward)

“Oh, hey, let me help with those,” Shitty says, and moves for the pile of boxes by the foot of the stairs, covered in Bitty’s handwriting and doodles.

“No,” Jack says, putting out an arm to stop him.

“What?”

“Don’t. I’ve got it.” Jack’s got his Stern Canadian Eyebrows going on for no discernible reason.

“Dude, what” Shitty starts to ask, “okay, okay,” he says hastily at the glare he gets.

So Shitty sits in the living room and texts Lardo as he watches Jack make five trips up the stairs lugging Bitty’s things.

“Oh my, you got all those up there already?” Bitty asks, coming out of the kitchen and dusting off his hands.

“Yeah, I put them all in your room,” Jack declares, with a slight emphasis on the word ‘I’, and sounding so proud of himself that Shitty has to muffle a snort.

“Oh, Jack, thank you!” Bitty puts his hand on Jack’s bicep, gives it a little squeeze, and smiles up at him.

“It was no problem.” Shitty is positive that Jack actually puffs up his chest a little. They disappear up the stairs a few moments later, Jack still looking insufferably pleased.

“Christ, what a ding-dong,” Shitty mutters to himself.


	18. Nursey's Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> @inevii replied to your post:  
> congratulations!! what about nursey/dex, and something with nurseys poetry? maybe he writes one about dex and dex finds it?
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you!! And I am…so sorry about this.
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142639844529/inevii-replied-to-your-post-so-two-2-cool)

“So,” Dex begins, sitting down next to Nursey at team breakfast. “I think I found your tumblr.”

“Oh?” Nursey says. He starts fiddling with his spoon and drops it on the floor.

“Yeah, and like, man? You have like a lot of photos of random red headed guys, and they’re all tagged ‘inspo’. What’s up with that?”

“Uch,” Nursey sputters indignantly and rolls his eyes. “That doesn’t mean anything,” he says, in what is possibly the least chill voice Dex has ever heard from him.

“And that one poem you posted, 'ocean acidification’? Was the lobster supposed to represent–”

“I gotta go,” Nursey interrupts, shoving away from the table and tripping over his chair.


	19. Coach and Jack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay last one! Coach meeting Jack for the first time AND/OR Hurt/Comfort (zimbits)  
> ASKED BY GETTZI
> 
> Okay, okay, so I’m doing a headcanons/ficlet thingy for this one. (That I just realized is only tangentially related to your prompt…SORRY.) Also I am doing these out of order, clearly.
> 
>  
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142600602954/okay-last-one-coach-meeting-jack-for-the-first)

So here’s the thing. We all love and adore [Maybe I’m Waking Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4436639/chapters/10080101) by idrilka, right? And there’s this one scene in that fic that I always found particularly compelling. Coach finds out Jack and Bitty are together and is like ‘but he’s older than you…and he’s  _rich_.’ In the fic this is resolved p much right away…but what if it weren’t?

How about Coach being more or less okay with Bitty being gay, but thinks that Jack is like, his sugar daddy? (I mean, in truth, what we’d be seeing here is Coach not really know how to cope with Bitty being gay, so expressing his feelings in a misdirected anger at Jack.) 

Bitty comes out to his parents over the phone and Coach reacts badly and tries to convince Bitty to break up with Jack because he’s taking advantage of him…

Bitty: It’s not like that! We love each other!

Coach: I know you  _think_  you’re in love with him. And he’s probably told you he’s ‘in love’ with you. But Junior, think about it…why can’t he be with someone his own age? And he was your captain. It’s natural for you to go along with what he wants, but–

Bitty: Don’t say that,  _lord_.

But Coach keeps going and eventually Bitty hangs up on him, furious and spends like an hour ranting about it to the nearest person. (A concerned Lardo? A baffled and panicking Chowder?)

And then a few days later, thanks to Mama Bittle, Bitty calls and apologizes for hanging up on him, and Coach agrees, strained, that maybe they just shouldn’t talk about it for a while.

Things continue in a more-or-less standoff. (Which poor Jack has no clue how to cope with, and Mama Bittle deals with by overcompensating and mother-henning Bitty and Jack almost to death.) And lord knows how long it could have gone on that way until Bitty tells his parents that he’s not coming home for the summer (summer before senior year). Oh, he’ll come back to Georgia for a few weeks’s visit, but he got an offer to [stage](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stage_\(cooking\)) at a great little bakery in Providence, so he’s going to spend the rest of the summer staying with Jack.

And Coach is NOT OKAY with this. Didn’t he raise his son to be hard-working and self-sufficient? And hadn’t Dicky worked at that summer camp every summer since he was fifteen? Why can’t he get a  _real_  job or at least come home instead of living with  _that man_  and fooling around at some bakery all summer?

Cue tense and upsetting conversations between Coach and Bitty culminating in Coach saying “well, maybe I should talk to this young man’s father and see what  _he_  thinks about this behavior.” And Bitty is like “you want to talk to Bob Zimmermann…about the fact that his son is sleeping with me…?? SURE.” He’s fed up enough not to care about preventing that train wreck of a conversation.

JUST PICTURE. Coach Bittle. Calling Bad Bob. To be like “so our sons are being gay together what are we going to do about this?” JUST PICTURE THAT MOMENT TO YOURSELF.

 


	20. Lardo + Farmer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lardo and Farmer bonding in the shared bathroom of the Haus (maybe doing Chowder's makeup for the hell of it?) (I need some Lardo & Farmer brotp action)  
> ASKED BY GETTZI
> 
> Lardo + Farmer bathroom drabble!! They totally deserve like, a 15k brotp fic.
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142588005339/lardo-and-farmer-bonding-in-the-shared-bathroom-of)

“Lardo?”

“Schyeah?” Lardo plucks out her earbuds and turns to see Farmer’s head peaking out from the bathroom door looking embarrassed.

“Do you, um, have a tampon I could have?”

“Yeah, totally, they’re under the sink.”

“Oh my god, thank you. You’re a lifesaver.”

“Bro. Don’t even ask next time, just grab one anytime you need.”

*

“Hello?”

“Farmer.”

“Yeah? Lardo?” She couldn’t remember Lardo ever actually calling her before.

“Yeah it’s me. Listen, where do you guys keep your condoms and I can have one? Or two.”

“Oh! Situation in progress?”

“Yeah. I would have asked Chowder but I didn’t want him to actually blush to death.”

Caitlin laughs. “They’re in his drawer in the bathroom. Take as many as you need.”

“Thanks, bro.”

“Say hi to Shitty for me.”


	21. Zimbits Highschool AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PROMPT! zimbits high school au! do whatever u feel :)  
> ASKED BY ANONYMOUS
> 
> Apparently I was feeling some pre-graduation angsty rumination. thank you for this prompt!!
> 
> [Original Post](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142542167884/prompt-zimbits-high-school-au-do-whatever-u-feel)

It was a lengthy process, carefully trimming each photo print, applying the adhesive to the thick cardboard mounting and making sure it set evenly, then neatly writing the label from the post-it note onto the cardboard once it was dry. To do all 20 photos would probably take most of the afternoon, even with both of them working steadily together in the quiet art room. 

Bitty had agreed to help because, well, the altruistic side of him would say because Jack was one of his best friends, and he wanted his display in  the senior art show to be successful. The more selfish side might admit that he just didn’t want to waste any moment he could spend alone with Jack.

Bitty tore his eyes away from studying Jack’s profile and back to the photos he was supposed to be working on. “Wow, I’m in a lot of these,” he exclaimed, just for the sake of something to say to break the silence.

“Yeah, I guess we’ve been hanging out a lot this year,” Jack responded, furrowing his eyebrows at the picture he was laboriously trimming with an x-acto knife—one of Bitty, in Jack’s parent’s kitchen, laughing at something, eyes scrunched up and hair lit with the afternoon sun.

“Yeah,” Bitty said a little sadly. “I’m gonna miss you—I mean, that. Hanging out.”

“It’s not like I’m gonna disappear after graduation, Bittle,” Jack said, raising his eyes from the photos and smiling a little at him. It was unfair. It was just simply unfair of any straight boy to look at Bitty like that, much less Jack. “Besides, I think our moms are friends for life now.”

“Oh, lord,” Bitty replied. “Don’t remind me.” At least he would have that much. He would hear about Jack, about how well he was doing at college, about his hockey team wherever he wound up. His mom would talk to Mrs. Z and would tell Bitty all about it.

 _And that will be enough. Plenty enough_ , Bitty told himself sternly, plucking the next photo from the stack—one of himself and Lardo sitting on the bleachers behind the gym, outlined against the bright sky.  _I won’t spend one more second on this foolishness. It’s not as if he could ever love me back_.


	22. SMH Visits Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CP! prompt: SMH visit Paris - the patisseries for Bitty! The art museums for Lardo! Parisians giving Jack grief for his Québécois accent! I'm just here for the team Eurotripping tbh.  
> ASKED BY OROROIQUADIMUNROE
> 
> [I am so sorry for the grievous lack of justice I did to your beautiful prompt. But this is what most of my memories of eurotripping are like tbh.]
> 
> [Original Prompt](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/142541591334/cp-prompt-smh-visit-paris-the-patisseries-for)

“Jack,” a hissed voice came out of the dark from the top bunk. He could barely hear it over the muffled noises from the other side of the hostel dorm.

“What?” he said, trying not to sound irritated, since what was happening was clearly not Lardo’s fault.

“It’s been over an hour,” she said.

“I’m aware,” he intoned in a flat voice. He wasn’t looking forward to having his whole planned day with Bitty tomorrow ruined by the fact that neither of them could sleep. Booking an eight bed hostel room for the whole group had seemed like such a good idea.

“You’re the captain,  _do something_.”

A high pitched voice rang out from the bunk by the windows squealing, “fick mich schneller!” only to trail off in a moan.

Jack smacked a hand over his eyes. “I’m not their captain anymore,” he protested weakly.

“Fine,” Lardo snapped. Jack could see a dark shape of Lardo climbing down and heard the sound of her socked feet hitting the floor. “You big baby. I’m not having  _my_  first day in Paris ruined by Ransom and Holster’s sexcapades with their little fräulein friend.”

She stalked off toward the offending bunk. Jack winced in anticipation and turned over, pulling the pillow over his head.

“ALRIGHT BOYS,” Lardo’s shout rang out in her best don’t-fuck-with-me voice, instantly cutting off the sex noises they had all been pretending not to hear. “NO MORE ORGASM FUN TIME FOR YOU. Auf Wiedersehen, lady, hop off that dick and get your damn underwear back on.”


	23. What does Jack do with his NHL Money?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original Tumblr Posts: [x](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/144403616319/fffuckthelaxbros-bittybigspoon) [x](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/post/144507106714/one-day-bitty-will-ask-the-same-question-and-jack)
> 
> And see [this tag](http://itsacpsideblog.tumblr.com/tagged/jack%27s-dolla-bills) for more completely ridiculous discussion of this prompt lol

talk to me about your headcanons for what Jack is going to spend his NHL money on. because I’ve been idly wondering. like, the guy is 25 years old and has multiple millions of dollars coming in. he’s not living a high rolling lifestyle. he’s not likely to go the Kent Parson ‘my watch costs more than you make in a year’ route. he only owns like four shirts. so really what the heck is he going to  _do_  with all that money???

*

one day bitty will ask the same question and jack will realize how much money he has just sitting there and the next day you can play will get a massive anonymous donation  
ASKED BY ANONYMOUS

*

OH MY GOD. this is my favorite

Bitty: Sweetheart, I know this is a delicate topic, but now that we’re engaged, I think we should have a serious talk about finances. It’s important for couples to be honest with each other.

Jack: Yes, that’s a smart idea.

Bitty: So how have you been been managing your money so far?

Jack: What do you mean?

Bitty: Well, your contract’s no secret…so what do you do with it? Do you have a financial planner or something?

Jack: I mean, the money gets deposited into my account and then I? Use it? To pay for things?

Bitty: ….so how much is in there?

Jack: Hmmm, I don’t know, let me check *pulls out his phone* Looks like it’s four million eight hundred fifty two thousand seven hundred and forty two dollars. And sixteen cents.

Bitty: ….

Jack: Are you okay?


End file.
